I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

Wanted: Single Woman with fishing boat
P.S. Send picture of boat.

I Have The Body Of A God.... Buddah.

Jesus loves you, but I think you're an asshole!

How to make GOD laugh: Tell HIM your plans for the future.

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

If you lived in your car you'd be home by now.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!

This car is not abandoned!

HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I think therefore I'm dangerous.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

God, Please save me from your followers.

If I can be of any help then you're in pretty bad shape.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me, but from those I look at.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Life's A Bitch. Then You Marry One.

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!

Don't hate yourself in the morning sleep till noon.

Three can keep a secret if two are dead.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?

Two can live as cheaply as one but for half as long.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Jesus is coming - Look Busy!

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.